Sex and Dating

Our guide for a single guy in London at Christmas

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Secrets' Santa Stripper

Secrets’ Santa stripper – just one of many things to look forward to in London

It’s Christmas time. You’re a single guy and you’re in London. Whether you know how you got there or not, you’re gonna need to know what the hell to do with yourself.

So if you find yourself in the centre of the iGaming universe during the holiday weekend and you’re pretty clueless on how to entertain yourself; don’t worry, we’ve got it covered.

Friday evening – December 23rd

First off, if you’re not used to the winter weather good old Blighty can throw at you – it’s going to be cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey – so you’ll need something warm inside ya. Coffee? Nope. Mulled wine.

Head down to Covent Garden – to the Punch and Judy pub in the top right hand corner of the Jubilee Hall – to kick off your festive London weekend in a traditional English pub. It won’t be long before you befriend some cockney geezer slurring his words from a mouth filled with rows of bad teeth. So when you get kicked out at 11pm, why not take your new pal to the nearest strip club to catch an eye full of the sexy Santa girls on show?

The place: Secrets – a fully nude table dancing club just around the corner in Parker Street, just off Kingsway. Its Xmas special means it’ll be open until 6am Saturday morning. Bloody marvellous. Entry will be £20 and once you talk your way into the VIP lounge you’ll be able to enjoy the dancing beauties from one of six booths, with high back sofas and low tables.

Saturday 24th – Christmas Eve

After spending the night downing shots and slipping notes into an abundance of sizeable cleavages, you’ll no doubt be woken up by a bouncer at 6am telling you to get your ass of their sofa and get the hell out.

Where to next? Fresh air will surely be your first point of all. Clear your head with a 30 minute walk down to Knightsbridge, passing Piccadilly Circus and Green Park on the way. You’ll feel just like a tourist on a walk of shame. That should wake you up a bit. Grab a coffee from one of the million cafes on the way and if you can’t be arsed finding a restaurant to eat, grab some street food. You’ll probably end up with the shits but nothing beats a hangover head like some rat meat and chips.

By the time you’ve stumbled your way down to the classier end of London, check yourself in at the Berkeley London luxury hotel and get yourself cleaned up. After the debauched night you’ve had, you’ll need a bit of opulence. Go on, treat yourself and catch some 40 winks. A nap will be just what you need to preserve some focus. Next up: it’s gambling time.

A 3 minute walk down Kensington High Street will lead you to the Park Tower Casino. No doubt you’ll need a proper meal inside you before you commence to the gaming floor, so get stuck into the A La Carte menu in the casino restaurant, which serves a lavish choice of Oriental, Middle Eastern and Mediterranean Cuisine, accompanied by an extensive wine list (nothing like hair of the dog).

Depending on what floats your casino boat, you’ll be able to choose from Roulette, Black Jack, Punto Banco, 3 Card Poker, Casino Super Stud Poker, Automated Roulette and Slot machines, with a Salon Privée also available for high stakes playing. The casino closes at midnight, so once you’ve gambled and drank well into the night – picking up a lady on the way – stagger back down to the hotel with your winnings and collapse in a double king size bed with a lady friend before Santa comes with your presents. Don’t forget to leave out a mince pie for the fat bastard.

Sunday 25th – Christmas Day

It’s Christmas day and what better way to wake up than the smell of festive lunch wafting its way through the hotel halls and into your nostrils. An eight course tasting menu created by Marcus Wareing “using the finest ingredients” is waiting for you. Priced at £330.00 per person – damn right the ingredients are the finest. The menu is available from 12pm until 2.30pm, so don’t sleep in. It’ll be the ideal festive banquet to line your stomach ready for the day ahead. No piggin’ out in front of the TV this year – you’re in London – it’s pub crawl time.

Surprisingly, there’s a plethora of pubs open in central London on Christmas day – here’s a route planned out just for you:

Start off at The Glassblower on Glasshouse Street just off Piccadilly Circus. Next up is The Crown, then The Glasshouse Stores, then The Duke of Argyll. The end of the road is Walkabout on Shaftsbury Avenue, but ensure you make stops at The Village, O’Neills, Waxy’s Little Sister, Slug and Lettuce, The Moon Under Water, The Porcupine and The Montagu Pyke on the way. Go here to view the planned route. It’s a well known pub crawl, renowned for its popularity with other singles, so you’re bound to meet other like-minded people along your pissed-up travels. What you make of the night is up to you, but no matter what happens; it’s got to be messier than an obese person’s backside.

Monday 26th – Boxing Day

After waking up in your own piss down a random back alley in the West End, it’s time to peel yourself off the pavement and get down to New Bond Street for the start of the Boxing Day sales. Find yourself a change of suit. Fancy another round of gambling? Napoleons Casino in Leicester Square has a range of holiday specials, with Boxing Day Christmas Roulette. Stick around to top of a messy, debauched and unscrupulous Christmas weekend in London with a few shits and giggles at the casino’s Soho Comedy Club from 8-10pm.

What next? Think it’s about time you fucked off home, don’t you?

 

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